Friday, October 3, 2014

Elle will be Elle.

How dare he say:

"Did you really just leave all my stuff in front of my house without me being there. Ok you don't want to talk to me anymore...."

First of all, how dare he admit to me that I'm the one doing something wrong...again!? He was the one who dumped my stuff in front of my house when I BEGGED him not to do it that night and I had rush home that night just to make it home before he arrived. I just couldn't handle all this in one day again. It was just too much to take in. I failed my first important exam that next morning. I also had major anxiety attacks since that night.

I don't think he understands that ever since he broke up with me, I have been the one trying to contact him in any way possible just so we could talk things out but he would always ignore me. I had to beg him to spend a few moments with me. He never once tried to contact me when we broke up.

Another thing he said,

"I wish I could give you the closure you deserve."

He had so much opportunities to do so. He knows where I live. He knows my phone number. He knows how to contact me. Instead, he blocks me on anything related to me and ignores me. He had a whole month to try to give me the closure I deserve. Never once did he try to give me that. I had to get on my knees and beg. Now I know what I truly meant to him-Nothing at all. So don't he dare say nonsense like that ! ^

The last thing he ever said to me was, "I never cared about you. I never loved you. You don't mean anything to me" And I truly believe that when he said it. Of course it's true. He never cared about me. He doesn't even feel any guilt for what he did. Now he's moving away to some corrupt-third world country to have a "better" life. What was I to him? Just a placeholder until someone or something "better" comes along. He really does get whatever the fuck he wants without any remorse.

Let's just make this clear, I have so much emotions going on that I don't know how to deal with it. I'm so devastated at how he's treating this situation than cheating on me. How sad is that? At least this made me realize that I was just his tool all along. I'm not even mad that he cheated. I'm so angry that he kept lying to me after I confronted him and all I wanted was honesty. I know he was still talking to her because she kept fb messaging me. Then I found out he fucked her. The lies he told was just spiraling out of control. And top of that, I'm angry he's moving away so soon. He was my best friend in the whole world who I trusted with my life. In just a matter of 2-hours, he turned out to be someone I hardly recognized.

 After all this, why did I try so hard to tell this person that I love him when it doesn't even matter to him. My existence to him means nothing. If my cancer came back and I died today, he wouldn't even shed a tear. I am just garbage to him. Always have and always will.

This isn't the Lance that I know. Please God, bring my Lance back to me. That's just wishful thinking. I know it's never going to happened. My "Lance" is forever gone. I never got to say what I needed to say. It wouldn't matter to him anyway. All I could do now is pray. I will forever cherish the memories because I know I will never get them back.

I cried so much while looking through my photos albums.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Memory Relaspe.

I'm trying so hard to be strong in all of this. But I keep relapsing to all the memories and I just break down in tears. Even when I blocked him out in my life, every little thing reminds me of him. Why do I care about someone who lies and cheats on me. I know he's lying when he said "It was a mistake." Because even after he fucked her, he was still talking to her in the most intimate way possible. It's disgusting how he can be horny for any girl who shows interest in him. Any girl that can say the right thing at the right time. He's so infatuated with this girl and this idea that he's going to a new life in another country. Is he really that happy to lose me to her? How can he like someone that knows we were in a relationship while intimately talking to him and feels happy that she broke up a relationship. I'm just so disgusted with him.

This is not the person I fell in love with. My whole life was revolved around this guy-I thought he was worth the time and energy because I truly loved him. He did such a great job in making me believe he actually loved me too. Bravo.

I know I am no one special. I know I make mistakes. I am not a perfect person. Regardless of all that, I thought he loved me anyway. I'm so fucking stupid. I thought he was such a great guy. I even envied and looked up to him. I loved him so much because I thought he was the only guy that loved me for who I am. But he used me, tore me apart and tossed me to the side. Didn't even have the decency to break up with me before he got bored of me and cheated. Regardless of his flaws, I fully accepted the person he was, whole-heartedly. I was so in love with him that I never cared how he looked or dressed. If he was burned in a building and his face was disfigured, I would still love him regardless.

I remember thinking to myself that he went through so much in his life. He had such a traumatic childhood that he can still manage to be this great and caring guy. I admired him so much for that. I remember telling myself that "This is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. My best friend and soul mate." But I never would have imagine that he could ever be "that" guy to hurt me like this.

God, I just want to move on. Even if he is a bad guy, I'm still in love with him but I don't want to be. Please God, let me move on.

I hate that I am the only one hurting while he's happily talking to her and planning a new life. I am so broken inside. I am wreck. I don't want to break down in public. I don't want these anxiety attacks anymore. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy. But I never knew that lying, cheating and breaking my heart was his happiness. He actually thinks I ruined his life. If it's anyone's life that's ruined, it's mine. He broke my heart. I will never be the same after this.

I can't help but think, he never thought I was good enough for him. I really was-always his second choice.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

An honest person with a good heart.

I'm trying my best to block out the memories that I keep replaying in my head. I'm honestly scaring myself. I do things that I don't even want to do just to keep myself preoccupied. I guess the only thing I can do is blog about it when I feel worst than ever. It's just not a good feeling when the one person I thought was special and trusted so much with my life is completely fine with the way things are. I feel so broken inside and out. It hurts so much to know that this person doesn't want anything to do with me. I am so stupid for thinking that I ever meant anything to him. I am doing my best to get rid of all the things that remind me of that person. I blocked him on anything social media-related and put everything in a box. I don't want to be reminded of this facade relationship.

 I've already accepted that this person wants a drastic life-change to be happier and "needs" to be selfish to do so. This is who he is. Even if I got hurt in the process, I truly love this person enough to allow myself to be in this much pain.

Not to sound crazy but I am considering booking an appointment with a hypnosis to help me forget the 5-years worth of memories. At this point, I don't care about the cost- I just want to be normal again. I don't want to cry anymore over someone that doesn't ever think about me. I will be better than I was yesterday. I know I'm not a perfect person but I will strive to be a good person-for me. I wish someone would see me for who I am and not my flaws. I am finally ready to let go.

I usually never let myself believe stupid tumblr quotes but I went on tumblr tonight and it's so completely correct for the first time.

This is something I have always believed in! Do good and good will come to you.
No one is perfect. The best thing you can do is admit your faults and redeem yourself. Don't sabotage the good that you have. Everyone is capable of genuinely taking responsibilities for their actions. This is what shows a persons true virtue. Why corrupt our lives with denying our lies and continue on with poor choices in judgement? We live one life, why not live to be the best person you know you can be?

An honest person with a good heart.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Hardest time in my life

I have no desire to do anything but stay in bed all day. I literally stare at the ceiling for hours. I called off work this whole week and school is a bitch. I can't even cry anymore because I am so dehydrated from all the previous crying these past few weeks. I started getting a headache from staying in bed the whole day that I had to force myself out of bed to go for a drive to my "thinking" spot in my town. I wish there was some kind of technology to forget the memories and time period of my life. This is the worst pain I've ever felt. Am I a bad person? Is this some kind of punishment? God, please just let me forget the past. I promise I'll strive to be a better person than I was yesterday.

A friend sent this pic to me.
The sad part is that I still love someone that doesn't even care about me. I still think about this person every minute of everyday and it makes me so devastated to know that-that person doesn't ever think about me for even a second.